My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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