can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I came so hard my ears popped.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
