if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
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