you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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