I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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