I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
