I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
