I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
