I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
