Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
