Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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