i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
