I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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