it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
