the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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