Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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