I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
