Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
