Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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