where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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