It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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