I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
