Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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