just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
People in love make me want to vomit
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize