I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
