I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
