my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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