I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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