I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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