So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
