I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
