I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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