note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
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