This is not my ceiling
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
did i just pee glitter
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