It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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