happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
