Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
