I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
