I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
