go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
