if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
