in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
