God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
