Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize