You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
My penis needs a shock collar
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
