How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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