i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
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