having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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