I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
