I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
