I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
