he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
