WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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