Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
