She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
