some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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