girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
