just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
false alarm, still single
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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